There are a lot of parents where I work with children ranging in age from newborn to college student. When I announced that we were expecting our first child I was given a lot of advice and opinions both solicited and not. One theme that kept coming up over and over again was that I would see more bodily fluids/waste during the first several years of parenthood than I have seen in my entire life.
They were right.
I have seen things come out of my son that I never thought such a small person could produce. In quantities that defied logic and reason.
I had hoped we were past this.
I was wrong.
I was naive.
I underestimated how ornery my son is.
A few weeks ago we had the pee incident. B's mom was working late and I was left home alone in charge of bath time. As part of our routine, B has a few moments of... well... let's call it streaking before he is placed in the tub. He likes it. It's cute. On this particular evening I was filling the tub. I removed his clothing and diaper and let him run for a few moments while the tub filled. He runs into the living room where his toys are. I'm in the bathroom. He's quiet. I'm curious. I go out to find him standing in the center of the room, leaning back a bit, pissing all over the carpet. This cracks me up. I run over and grab him up as he's trying to put his hands in this new wet spot on the carpet. Laughing I close the child gates and put the squirmy wormy down to go check on the tub again. I figured he'd peed enough that he was done. I was wrong. He stands outside the bathroom door and pees again. This time while watching me. Again this cracks me up because of the proud look on his face. I snatch him up again and bring him in the bathroom with me and close the door. The tub is almost full. I let him loose in the room while I turn off the water and make sure it's not too hot to put him in. I turn back around to find him dampening the bath mat. Kids got a big bladder. This time I grab him up, toss him in the tub and try to call his mom on the phone to share what fun we're having while she's gone.
This leads us to our next bathroom adventure. There are many. About a week ago, whilst frolicking in the tub, B bends over on all fours and makes a very serious face. Sure enough as his mother and I are sitting there in the bathroom with him and he's in the tub playing with all his toys, little dude drops a load. He then returns to playing with his toys. The boy likes bath time. I'm equally stunned and grossed out. I'm also confused as to what to do. My brain is overwhelmed for a moment with the nastiness of what has just happened. B's mom, not so calmly, suggests that we removed our child from what is now sewer water and perhaps clean the tub. Bath time is done. Thank goodness one of us could think straight. My thought process was something along the lines of (poop poop poop poop poop).
I've been told that floaters in the tub are somewhat of a right of passage for parents.
B heard this and responded with, "Challenge accepted."
So how does one out do pooping in the tub you ask? Well, last night during his usual pre-bath naked time, B decided that he was just going to cop a squat on the floor in the laundry room. So he did just that. He squatted down and dropped a deuce right in the middle of the floor as his mother and I watched. B's mom was closest so she grabbed the boy and tried to make it to his new potty training seat. He must have dropped another kid off at the beach (I would say pool, but there was no water here) along the way because when I went to clean up his handy work I found another deposit on the bathroom floor. I must say I've never been more excited about laminate flooring in my life. In the end B was very excited because mommy and daddy were so excited. It may be time to rethink naked time.
I just can't wait to see what he has planned to top himself next.
Please don't let it be flying poo.
Oh and because you can't say it enough.... POOP!
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